Only The Truly Rich Have Roach Butlers

You know what I think we're missing out on by not being uber-rich?(Not to exclude the uber-rich but there's so few of you that I'm aiming this at the rest of us poor schlubs....besides you already know where this is going by the microscopic implants in our brains you entertain yourselves with....don't try to deny it....I would never have found out if you hadn't started to interrupt my dreams with commercials promoting your companies....I'm looking at you Mr. Gates and Mr. Turner!!) Anywho.....I think we're all missing out on the joys of truly good Roach Butlers....I know what your thinking and no, earthworms just don't train as well...The true joys of a great Roach Regiment of butlers is known only to a few, but let's try to imagine what our day could be like if we were in fact pampered by Roach Servants...

10:00 A.M. ( we're rich remember) Rather than actually getting out of bed, a moving platform of Roaches burrows under you in bed and effortlessly lifts you above them, carrying you off to the shower.(see, this is fun already!)

10:15 A.M. (Rich....big house ....stay in character) Not feeling up to lathering your own soap ...No Bother! ...Command your insect hoard to soap their feet and scurry all over you body, paying special attention to the cracks and crevasses

11:00 A.M. After a nice steamy shower allow yourself to be toweled dry by hundreds of Roaches undulating inside your terry cloth robe. Consider another shower briefly but decide to wait for the pre-bed bath.

11:30 A.M. Sit down to a massive brunch of genetically engineered Pterodactyl egg omelets prepared and served entirely by the Roach Staff.(I'm not sure on the Pterodactyl egg omelets but my sources say the Uber-Rich either eat them or the souls of those who dare to oppose them.... I stuck with the omelets)

12:30 P.M. In your post brunch haze, absentmindedly crush an entire regiment of your Roach Butlers and mourn them for a brief moment until realizing that during the brief moment of mourning several thousand more Butlers were born in your top secret breeding rooms.

1:00 P.M. Business meeting with some guy selling something ....when you become extremely bored you command your Roach servants to swarm him and tell him if he can survive to the door your company will consider his offer.

1:15 P.M. - 1:45 P.M. Watch your faithful servants skeletonize and dispose of the salesman

2:00 P.M. Have a cocktail thoughtfully prepared for you by Bob, your most loyal Roach

2:30 P.M. Call the White House and ask them if they have Prince Albert in a can ...Hang-up laughing when you're told they do and they start demanding you tell where you heard this information.(although this has nothing to do with the Uber-Rich's amazing Roach Butlers, if I were that wealthy I would totally prank the White House.)

3:00 P.M. Needing to unwind from your long workday the Roaches prepare a bath for you

3:30 P.M. After your bath, you lay face down to allow the Roaches to scramble back and forth on your back for a good Roach Massage.

4:00 P.M. Have a couple of fantastic pre-dinner martinis made for you by Bob

4:45 P.M. Relax at the dinner table while the Roach Butlers scurry up and down your arm to feed you .

6:00 P.M. Retire to your media room to relax with a movie while the Roach Butlers clean up after dinner and Bob prepares you a few after dinner drinks.

8:15 P.M. Five after-dinner drinks and a horrible Stallone movie later become belligerent with the entire Roach Staff, especially Bob(he knows what he did)

9:00 P.M. The roaches prepare your rejuvenating chamber recovered from an alien crash site and you settle in for the night.

See....you can't tell me that wouldn't be awesome....although now that I think of it....some homeless people and apartment complexes (word-up Florida!) already have a few of these benefits ....Just goes to show you that the Uber-Rich really do steal all of their best ideas