Costumes are passe`...it's takes dedication to LIVE the part!!!!

These days it’s harder and harder to come up with a unique Halloween Costume so we here at Real Monkeys Play With Knives (Yes I know …it’s a schizophrenic thing) want to do our utmost to enable you to stand out at the party of your choice…AND you’ll look totally awesome in your mugshot! So here it goes…10 Halloween costume ideas to make your pagan holiday that much more special…..

1. Gather 200-300 of your closest friends and cover yourselves with white PVC piping and aluminum sheeting. Whenever anyone asks what the hell you’re supposed to be, tell them you are a Particle Accelerator. Demonstrate your costume by having two randomly selected people charge and smash into each other until one of them breaks into two or more smaller versions of them selves, each with similar but opposite personalities…Or until one of them is dead….either way good times will be had.

2. Get dressed in some of your most comfortable jeans and t-shirt then proceed to beat yourself about the head with a ball-peen hammer until you believe that the cast of the Real World have it hard. Congratulations, you now have the perfect Reality Show Fan costume … and quite possibly minor brain damage!

3. Find the top half of a 1940’s sailor outfit, put it on. Now drink shots of tequila until you’re belligerent, unintelligible and willing to allow someone to glue feathers over your exposed lower half. There, now you have the ideal Donald Duck costume.

4. Acquire a hand tailored suit and head to the Halloween party at the bar. When you arrive, start ordering the most expensive drinks you can while tipping you server as little as possible, saying”it’s just not feasible at this time.” After three drinks call the bar two streets over to order your drinks claiming they’re cheaper, stronger and the tipping is less there. You’ve got yourself one fine dandy CEO costume there….now drink up!

5. Obtain several dozen assorted tin cans and various scrap metal pieces and, using a pilfered welding torch, stick together a rudimentary metal suit. After cutting mouth and eye holes in the final coffee can you have created a suit of armor fit for the most valiant of Knights…(However, the entire time you’re in costume, you will be answering question about where Dorothy is while the only people who recognize you as a knight will be Monty Python fans who scream NEE!! at you for the entire evening…..it just goes with the territory)

6. If you’re under 40 find the tightest jeans you can squeeze into and a wife beater t-shirt or a nice new track suit. Now slick your hair back, find a nice gold cross on a necklace and grow and/or adhere some chest hair. If you’re over 40 trade the jeans and wife beater for a tailored suit…the track suits still o.k. … Mama Mia! You now have one hell of an Italian Stereotype costume….and you look fantastico ya goomba you.

7. Go wash your hands…Good, feel clean? … now go wash them a little more vigorously…They’re starting to get a little pink aren’t they?... now think about the millions of germs in the air, on your skin…you know the ones, like Staphylococcus or Naegleria fowleri…Just one microbial amoeba later and you’re a vegetable drooling on your collar…with that in mind go scrub your hands to get off all the unclean you picked up god knows where… there you go ...you hands are all chapped and chaffed…possibly a bit raw…now throw on some surgical gloves and a HEPA mask, lest you pick up more germs out and about…. Now you have the perfect OCD costume…and the best part is you get to be in costume for the rest of your life!! Yay!

8. Do not wash from now until Halloween… The morning before your costume party, slaughter several yaks and create a loose fitting jacket out of their freshly skinned hide…Form a jaunty hat from the leftover skull fur…during the party attempt to force yourself into situations where you’re not wanted and drink obnoxious cocktails such as horse blood and milk or redbull and vodka…That’s right!...you’re wearing a dead ringer of a Barbarian Horde or Celebrity Clubkid costume…now watch out for those paparazzi and/or archers…

9. Go to the store and select an off the rack costume…it doesn’t matter which…after putting it on and half-assed applying you makeup, head over to the party…while there repeatedly pound cheap beers from a keg while engaging in passing conversations with people you hardly know…towards the end of the night vaguely recall a nasty beer scented heavy petting session with someone you can barely recall and possibly wake up at said hook-ups place…. You’ve now dressed as 90% of Halloween Party Goers….it’s too bad you wore this costume for the last few years…

10. Throw on your regular clothes. To hell with everyone, you never win the costume contests anyway, no matter how hard you try…you’re just going to sit and pound shots until your visions blurry and you can’t tell if you have to go pee or not. You now have the perfect Angry Drunk costume…or you’re being yourself….but, only you know for sure!

And there you go….I know some are slightly harder than others to pull off but if you’re dedicated you’ll find a way….and remember ….. If there are no Treats there must be tricks….and the best Tricks involve fire …..

Why Gotham?

As a pre-warning this next post is a geek-fueled collision of the comic book world and realistic common sense…Mainly because I would totally dig superheroes cruising around the city but then reality steps in the way…

Why do people still live in Gotham? Seriously, this is a city that, not only is ripe with your everyday petty crime but, crazed individuals steal entire buildings here! This goes for Metropolis too! These things don’t happen in the country! (Although…Where do Super Villains go to unwind? Are there a series of resort destinations geared to their “special” needs? Or perhaps a cruise line with a “don’t ask” policy?) I mean, yeah you have some “special” people running around in spandex suits trying to stop the madness but to be honest they’re more than capable of claiming you as a “necessary” casualty. These are cities where you could be out, on your way to the corner market and suddenly you’re abducted from the sidewalk, taken to an abandoned amusement park, injected with some sort of poison and released back into society a gibbering, giggling meltdown of your former self with the hopes that someone will concoct an anti-venom in time to stop your brain from spraying out your ears.

And that’s something else….If these cities are the sparkling mega-destinations you’d think they would be, why is there so much available real estate? Every major city I’ve been to has had a complete lack of available warehouse space let alone acres and acres of abandoned amusement parks, carnival staging areas, discarded greenhouses, forgotten bioengineering labs, castles just on the edge of town and, well , empty apartment units. Have you noticed that every time Batman smashes through a window he lands in a run-down apartment complete with some sort of crates or other discarded packing material to land on and/or smash people into? Where did the apartment’s occupants go? And why didn’t they take their wooden packing crates with them? Were they too heavy?

What kind of recourse do you have IF a costumed avenger comes smashing through your living room while in the grasps of a shape shifting being from the farthest reaches of space? Can you bill them? Do they have a P.O. Box you can send your contractors estimates to? I know people have insurance but I’m not sure that the majority of policies cover acts of super-heroness….perhaps they do in these cities. That’d be a hell of a selling point if I lived there (…so you’re covered against fire, flood and homicidal rampages by super villains…now let’s talk life insurance…)

Perhaps the citizens of these cities have just become numb to these events… As they go about their day they casually avoid the aftermath of The Riddler’s latest spectacle or cross their fingers that Lex Luthor hasn’t shrunk the neighbor hood down again. (How odd must it be to leave work only to find yourself encased in a glass bottle on someone’s mantle? Come to think of it, how do the little delis keep producing little sandwiches?)

All I can say is that these metropolitan areas must have one hell of a welcoming committee….