Friday, October 19, 2007

Costumes are passe`...it's takes dedication to LIVE the part!!!!

These days it’s harder and harder to come up with a unique Halloween Costume so we here at Real Monkeys Play With Knives (Yes I know …it’s a schizophrenic thing) want to do our utmost to enable you to stand out at the party of your choice…AND you’ll look totally awesome in your mugshot! So here it goes…10 Halloween costume ideas to make your pagan holiday that much more special…..


  1. Gather 200-300 of your closest friends and cover yourselves with white PVC piping and aluminum sheeting. Whenever anyone asks what the hell you’re supposed to be, tell them you are a Particle Accelerator. Demonstrate your costume by having two randomly selected people charge and smash into each other until one of them breaks into two or more smaller versions of them selves, each with similar but opposite personalities…Or until one of them is dead….either way good times will be had.

  1. Get dressed in some of your most comfortable jeans and t-shirt then proceed to beat yourself about the head with a ball-peen hammer until you believe that the cast of the Real World have it hard. Congratulations, you now have the perfect Reality Show Fan costume … and quite possibly minor brain damage!

  1. Find the top half of a 1940’s sailor outfit, put it on. Now drink shots of tequila until you’re belligerent, unintelligible and willing to allow someone to glue feathers over your exposed lower half. There, now you have the ideal Donald Duck costume.

  1. Acquire a hand tailored suit and head to the Halloween party at the bar. When you arrive, start ordering the most expensive drinks you can while tipping you server as little as possible, saying”it’s just not feasible at this time.” After three drinks call the bar two streets over to order your drinks claiming they’re cheaper, stronger and the tipping is less there. You’ve got yourself one fine dandy CEO costume there….now drink up!

  1. Obtain several dozen assorted tin cans and various scrap metal pieces and, using a pilfered welding torch, stick together a rudimentary metal suit. After cutting mouth and eye holes in the final coffee can you have created a suit of armor fit for the most valiant of Knights(However, the entire time you’re in costume, you will be answering question about where Dorothy is while the only people who recognize you as a knight will be Monty Python fans who scream NEE!! at you for the entire evening…..it just goes with the territory)

  1. If you’re under 40 find the tightest jeans you can squeeze into and a wife beater t-shirt or a nice new track suit. Now slick your hair back, find a nice gold cross on a necklace and grow and/or adhere some chest hair. If you’re over 40 trade the jeans and wife beater for a tailored suit…the track suits still o.k. … Mama Mia! You now have one hell of an Italian Stereotype costume….and you look fantastico ya goomba you.

  1. Go wash your hands…Good, feel clean? … now go wash them a little more vigorously…They’re starting to get a little pink aren’t they?... now think about the millions of germs in the air, on your skin…you know the ones, like Staphylococcus or Naegleria fowleri…Just one microbial amoeba later and you’re a vegetable drooling on your collar…with that in mind go scrub your hands to get off all the unclean you picked up god knows where… there you go ...you hands are all chapped and chaffed…possibly a bit raw…now throw on some surgical gloves and a HEPA mask, lest you pick up more germs out and about…. Now you have the perfect OCD costume…and the best part is you get to be in costume for the rest of your life!! Yay!

  1. Do not wash from now until Halloween… The morning before your costume party, slaughter several yaks and create a loose fitting jacket out of their freshly skinned hide…Form a jaunty hat from the leftover skull fur…during the party attempt to force yourself into situations where you’re not wanted and drink obnoxious cocktails such as horse blood and milk or redbull and vodka…That’s right!...you’re wearing a dead ringer of a Barbarian Horde or Celebrity Clubkid costume…now watch out for those paparazzi and/or archers…

  1. Go to the store and select an off the rack costume…it doesn’t matter which…after putting it on and half-assed applying you makeup, head over to the party…while there repeatedly pound cheap beers from a keg while engaging in passing conversations with people you hardly know…towards the end of the night vaguely recall a nasty beer scented heavy petting session with someone you can barely recall and possibly wake up at said hook-ups place…. You’ve now dressed as 90% of Halloween Party Goers….it’s too bad you wore this costume for the last few years…

  1. Throw on your regular clothes. To hell with everyone, you never win the costume contests anyway, no matter how hard you try…you’re just going to sit and pound shots until your visions blurry and you can’t tell if you have to go pee or not. You now have the perfect Angry Drunk costume…or you’re being yourself….but, only you know for sure!


And there you go….I know some are slightly harder than others to pull off but if you’re dedicated you’ll find a way….and remember ….. If there are no Treats there must be tricks….and the best Tricks involve fire …..

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