A Simple Test For Serial Killers

These days it’s hard to know everyone that exists in your sphere of influence. Doris, the 50 year old friendly cashier at the gas station- On-Call mistress specializing in genital electro-stimulation….Joe, the guy who helps you out at the bank – secretly plotting a massive international internet crash in his spare time… Frank, the guy who helps you out with your groceries – Former gunrunner for the Giovanni family (now in hiding)…Seth, the lovable scamp who creates your morning coffee at the café down the road – loves the Republican Party … All of them have secret lives…Twisted secret lives….(especially Seth…that’s just wrong)

But the person you have to worry about the most may be the one you least suspect….the one who hides in plain sight, his secret life never far from his mind….we’re talking serial killers here people…Now I know you’re saying “I’d see them coming from a mile away” or “I’ve seen the movies and none of my acquaintances have ever returned from the dead or were raised by dead mothers in out of the way hotels”…to which I’d have to say “Really?...That kind of sucks , because think of the stories you could tell.” But anyway….Serial killers are not always so obvious which is why I’ve come up with a handy test you can use to identify the stalkers around you….

1. When receiving gifts from the person, are a good portion of them handmade out of self cured leather?
2. If you help them change a flat, is there an unnatural amount of hooks, knives or chainsaws on top of the jack? (We’re talking a lot here …I mean everyone has a machete or two in the trunk …don’t they?)
3. When you complain about the cost of groceries, do they offer you some odd tasting cuts of meat….Possibly with tattoos?
4. Do they have the odd habit of sniffing your hair in the elevator while commenting that they would love to “be able to wear hair like that someday”?
5. After you notice some blood on their shirt, they attribute it to a paper cut even though it’s about six square inches large… and on their shoulder?
6. Often offers to let you stay at their “vacation home” on the lake, but insists they drive you there…alone?

If your acquaintances fit into any of these questions, well you know some bizarre characters….who may be serial killers.

Now you can’t rely on this test alone to identify the crazed psychopaths around you …No, you must look into your hunches on your own….so go and sneak into their apartment while they’re at the corner store…or head to the basement storage area and pry open their storage unit…or get out of the city and break into the root cellar at the lake cabin….Follow them down dark alleys to get to the truth if you have to….because the only way you’ll know if they’re truly a serial killer is if you catch them in the act, stop their heinous acts and scold them loudly in the leaky factory where you’ve found them while telling them you will be contacting the authorities just as soon as you can get cellular coverage…Good Luck

Superhero Or Fetishist: You Decide

Have you ever considered that superheroes may just be kinky people with incredible powers? No seriously… let’s consider some things…

Superheroes like to tie up criminals in what ever lasso, web or ultra-polymer steel nylon rope they have lying about and leave them suspended in the air for the authorities to find…that’s all well and good but in the real world that’s just having a suspension bondage fetish… with possibly a little role-playing thrown in.

Superheroes also have a thing for flashy skin tight costumes with their emblems emblazoned across the chest, arm, waist or leg areas…. Don’t get me wrong, they look great in them and this may notify people who the good guys are, but it does have a striking similarity to Lycra fetishism…

Let’s look at the super villain for a moment, shall we? … they have the same basic situation as the Superhero but are much more likely to flaunt their fetishy side (Coulrophilia or the sexual attraction to, and from, clowns is apparent in everything the Joker is, does, or has around him….And he’s quite happy with that) but it’s the dichotomous relationships that they have with superheroes that leads me to believe that their entire attitudes that they retain with each other is just a way to express the Sadomasochist Agoraphilic (or enjoying beating the hell out of each other in public) relationship they have with each other…which anyone will tell you is pretty cool to see…until they drop a building on your car….then you get pretty pissed… as well you should…

Even the sidekicks, both Hero and Villain, have some fetish issues they’re working out …Villain sidekicks are going through a Hybristophilia, or arousal by people who have committed crimes; in particular cruel or outrageous crimes, phase … but they are generally very much open about it, much like their leaders…no, it’s the Hero sidekicks that have it the hardest…think about it…. they may have several fetishes all at once to deal with, while at the same time avoid having their little fingers removed by trained jackals or untying themselves from a thermonuclear device while desperately trying to remember how to disarm it… whether it’s Schediaphilia (being sexually attracted to cartoon and anime characters) or simply voyeurism these sidekicks have some serious mental hashing out to do everyday and still hold up their side of being captured and beaten/tortured by the villain while the Hero desperately looks for them and then finding and saving them at the last moment… now that I think about it, they may only be Masochists…

All together, this group of Lycra wearing, city destroying, world dominating super beings have enough fetishes and unreleased tension to destroy a small planet (which I know they’ve done…I was working on dramatic representation here…) ….Perhaps if we gave them some therapy sessions for Christmas … hmmmm… do you think they make those psychiatrist chairs in extra large?

Mad Scientists Need Love Too

Why do mad scientists have such a bad rap? These are people that are highly intelligent and well educated, although you would be hard pressed to find their Alma mater …anymore. (Perhaps there is a university somewhere that has a Major/Minor of doomsday devices/reanimating human remains… I would rather enjoy attending, just to see the midterm projects and Thesis papers …not to mention the wicked football team they must have with the genetic engineering and all…)

And yes, they prefer to work alone, but they aren’t above creating some random servants and companions out of spare body parts they have laying around. (Which is not only clever and resourceful, but, considering the recycling and reusing, is also very eco-friendly, ...When was the last time you saw government agencies be that considerate?...)

Speaking of being eco-friendly….Mad Scientists require incredible amounts of energy but do they go to big energy companies….NO…they turn to nature itself and harness it’s power directly…need a massive generator for your thermal laser powered up?...Lightning …Need to reanimate a hodgepodge of cadaver parts for a weekend party? ....Lightning…Having trouble locating your favorite desk lighter for your evening cigar? ...Lighting…See...These people are innovative and geniuses! ...

Now I can hear the naysayers in the group….”What about the Doomsday Devices?” … (Why don’t you cry a little more…Baby!) O.K. so they may have a thing about creating doomsday devices, but they very rarely set them off and when they do it’s actually beneficial for the economy…For example... say Professor Insanity has detonated his plasma vortex above …oh I don’t know….Ruby’s Diner just outside of Cleveland, OH (not that I have anything against Cleveland….But Ruby knows what she did) After the rubble is cleared…and the massive crater is filled in…think of all the jobs that are created to rebuild and/or pave over the now radioactive site….Ahhh, Progress ….

Look….All I’m saying is, if that creepy house at the top of the hill is purchased by a quiet, slightly off person of the scientific persuasion…Let them be …nothing hurts more than the disapproval of neighbors carrying torches and pitchforks....Heck…Consider yourself lucky….it’s very unlikely that they’ll destroy they’re own neighborhood….especially if they’re invited to the block party