A Simple Test For Serial Killers

These days it’s hard to know everyone that exists in your sphere of influence. Doris, the 50 year old friendly cashier at the gas station- On-Call mistress specializing in genital electro-stimulation….Joe, the guy who helps you out at the bank – secretly plotting a massive international internet crash in his spare time… Frank, the guy who helps you out with your groceries – Former gunrunner for the Giovanni family (now in hiding)…Seth, the lovable scamp who creates your morning coffee at the café down the road – loves the Republican Party … All of them have secret lives…Twisted secret lives….(especially Seth…that’s just wrong)

But the person you have to worry about the most may be the one you least suspect….the one who hides in plain sight, his secret life never far from his mind….we’re talking serial killers here people…Now I know you’re saying “I’d see them coming from a mile away” or “I’ve seen the movies and none of my acquaintances have ever returned from the dead or were raised by dead mothers in out of the way hotels”…to which I’d have to say “Really?...That kind of sucks , because think of the stories you could tell.” But anyway….Serial killers are not always so obvious which is why I’ve come up with a handy test you can use to identify the stalkers around you….

1. When receiving gifts from the person, are a good portion of them handmade out of self cured leather?
2. If you help them change a flat, is there an unnatural amount of hooks, knives or chainsaws on top of the jack? (We’re talking a lot here …I mean everyone has a machete or two in the trunk …don’t they?)
3. When you complain about the cost of groceries, do they offer you some odd tasting cuts of meat….Possibly with tattoos?
4. Do they have the odd habit of sniffing your hair in the elevator while commenting that they would love to “be able to wear hair like that someday”?
5. After you notice some blood on their shirt, they attribute it to a paper cut even though it’s about six square inches large… and on their shoulder?
6. Often offers to let you stay at their “vacation home” on the lake, but insists they drive you there…alone?

If your acquaintances fit into any of these questions, well you know some bizarre characters….who may be serial killers.

Now you can’t rely on this test alone to identify the crazed psychopaths around you …No, you must look into your hunches on your own….so go and sneak into their apartment while they’re at the corner store…or head to the basement storage area and pry open their storage unit…or get out of the city and break into the root cellar at the lake cabin….Follow them down dark alleys to get to the truth if you have to….because the only way you’ll know if they’re truly a serial killer is if you catch them in the act, stop their heinous acts and scold them loudly in the leaky factory where you’ve found them while telling them you will be contacting the authorities just as soon as you can get cellular coverage…Good Luck