Superhero Or Fetishist: You Decide

Have you ever considered that superheroes may just be kinky people with incredible powers? No seriously… let’s consider some things…

Superheroes like to tie up criminals in what ever lasso, web or ultra-polymer steel nylon rope they have lying about and leave them suspended in the air for the authorities to find…that’s all well and good but in the real world that’s just having a suspension bondage fetish… with possibly a little role-playing thrown in.

Superheroes also have a thing for flashy skin tight costumes with their emblems emblazoned across the chest, arm, waist or leg areas…. Don’t get me wrong, they look great in them and this may notify people who the good guys are, but it does have a striking similarity to Lycra fetishism…

Let’s look at the super villain for a moment, shall we? … they have the same basic situation as the Superhero but are much more likely to flaunt their fetishy side (Coulrophilia or the sexual attraction to, and from, clowns is apparent in everything the Joker is, does, or has around him….And he’s quite happy with that) but it’s the dichotomous relationships that they have with superheroes that leads me to believe that their entire attitudes that they retain with each other is just a way to express the Sadomasochist Agoraphilic (or enjoying beating the hell out of each other in public) relationship they have with each other…which anyone will tell you is pretty cool to see…until they drop a building on your car….then you get pretty pissed… as well you should…

Even the sidekicks, both Hero and Villain, have some fetish issues they’re working out …Villain sidekicks are going through a Hybristophilia, or arousal by people who have committed crimes; in particular cruel or outrageous crimes, phase … but they are generally very much open about it, much like their leaders…no, it’s the Hero sidekicks that have it the hardest…think about it…. they may have several fetishes all at once to deal with, while at the same time avoid having their little fingers removed by trained jackals or untying themselves from a thermonuclear device while desperately trying to remember how to disarm it… whether it’s Schediaphilia (being sexually attracted to cartoon and anime characters) or simply voyeurism these sidekicks have some serious mental hashing out to do everyday and still hold up their side of being captured and beaten/tortured by the villain while the Hero desperately looks for them and then finding and saving them at the last moment… now that I think about it, they may only be Masochists…

All together, this group of Lycra wearing, city destroying, world dominating super beings have enough fetishes and unreleased tension to destroy a small planet (which I know they’ve done…I was working on dramatic representation here…) ….Perhaps if we gave them some therapy sessions for Christmas … hmmmm… do you think they make those psychiatrist chairs in extra large?

Mad Scientists Need Love Too

Why do mad scientists have such a bad rap? These are people that are highly intelligent and well educated, although you would be hard pressed to find their Alma mater …anymore. (Perhaps there is a university somewhere that has a Major/Minor of doomsday devices/reanimating human remains… I would rather enjoy attending, just to see the midterm projects and Thesis papers …not to mention the wicked football team they must have with the genetic engineering and all…)

And yes, they prefer to work alone, but they aren’t above creating some random servants and companions out of spare body parts they have laying around. (Which is not only clever and resourceful, but, considering the recycling and reusing, is also very eco-friendly, ...When was the last time you saw government agencies be that considerate?...)

Speaking of being eco-friendly….Mad Scientists require incredible amounts of energy but do they go to big energy companies….NO…they turn to nature itself and harness it’s power directly…need a massive generator for your thermal laser powered up?...Lightning …Need to reanimate a hodgepodge of cadaver parts for a weekend party? ....Lightning…Having trouble locating your favorite desk lighter for your evening cigar? ...Lighting…See...These people are innovative and geniuses! ...

Now I can hear the naysayers in the group….”What about the Doomsday Devices?” … (Why don’t you cry a little more…Baby!) O.K. so they may have a thing about creating doomsday devices, but they very rarely set them off and when they do it’s actually beneficial for the economy…For example... say Professor Insanity has detonated his plasma vortex above …oh I don’t know….Ruby’s Diner just outside of Cleveland, OH (not that I have anything against Cleveland….But Ruby knows what she did) After the rubble is cleared…and the massive crater is filled in…think of all the jobs that are created to rebuild and/or pave over the now radioactive site….Ahhh, Progress ….

Look….All I’m saying is, if that creepy house at the top of the hill is purchased by a quiet, slightly off person of the scientific persuasion…Let them be …nothing hurts more than the disapproval of neighbors carrying torches and pitchforks....Heck…Consider yourself lucky….it’s very unlikely that they’ll destroy they’re own neighborhood….especially if they’re invited to the block party

To Shiv or To Shank: A Lesson In Etiquette

Today’s post was guest written by our good friend Bradford Pennyknocker III. A gentleman, scholar and all around dandy man to have around for a good fox hunt...

Recently it has come up in conversation that people are unaware of the correct usage of, and differences of, Shiv and Shank. Both are equal in action, but when converted to verbiage, the subtle differences scream out for elaboration. To Shank someone is a violent action usually unaccompanied by words and, well, is just not used in polite society. It’s best left to common street thugs, low intelligence inmates and, to put it bluntly, those ruffians that congregate in east wing of the gentlemen’s club. Why, those beasts have watered down my brandy, pilfered my PRIVATE humidor and have even begun to berate me during cricket matches…I know...Appalling, isn’t it? ...Anyway, I digress… Shanking is a brutal statement in a personal relationship. To me it says “I don’t believe you’re worth the mother-of-pearl in your cuff links.”… Very, rude…On the other hand, to Shiv someone shows a camaraderie between you and the Shivee… The Shiving action is a more thought out motion, done with style and grace… let’s look at some examples, shall we?

Rupert has insulted the cut of your smoking vest. After several attempts to receive reparations from him, you decide to clear this matter as you pass him near the tennis courts…would you:

1. Insult his, ahem, Momma and wildly slash at his throat with the steak knife you’ve liberated from the dining room?
2. Walk quietly towards him and as you break plane with his elbow, turn sharply and deliver the ‘Ol Cut and Butter to his ribs? (If you have to ask what the Cut and Butter is, you obviously don’t belong to Skull & Bones.)
3. Clasp him tightly on the shoulder and as you inquire as to his dear old mom’s health, you slip your sharpened letter opener between his third and fourth ribs just deep enough to nick his aorta allowing him to trot off to the infirmary, if he’s quick, and think about his discretion as he recuperates.

Now if you’ve answered A you’re either not paying attention or you’ve stumbled upon this writing while looking for Professor Thunkneck’s street fisticuffs course.

Now that that’s taken care of can, you identify which is the shank and which is the shiv?
(if you need a hint, please reread the beginning of this essay and this time, for the love of the Queen , take notes!)

Let’s have another one, right?

Chauncey has taken liberties with your bottle of 1951 Chateau Cheval Blanc while you were in the loo. Do you:

1. Leap upon his chest and tear out his throat with your exaggerated canines thereby establishing yourself as the dominant male? (Sorry I’ve been engrossed in a fascinating study of the Western Lowland Gorillas done by the Royal Academy)
2. While he is seating himself properly you stroll past him and plunge the tip of your pudding fork into his throat relieving him of the pressure of choosing the correct silver setting for dinner?(There seems to be a lot of throat references in this narrative…perhaps I’m a tad parched…)
3. Approach him as he reclines in the card room, and while leaning in to give him the evenings greeting, slide the edge of your watch fob below his sternum as a warning to respect your vintage spirits?

Once again the correct identification should be no sweat for pupils such as yourselves….Oh Dear... I seem to be running late for tea…well I think you should be well enough prepared to chose your retaliatory method properly….

Cheers.

Motivational posters are the devil spawn

Has anybody really looked into the scientific veracity of motivational posters? … I mean taken at face value some of these phrases used to push office drones to new heights are near impossible to comprehend if not outright dangerous….

For example, “Hard work beats talent when talent doesn’t work hard”… seriously, not only is this a paltry effort at attempting to confuse the poor worker by running words after each other but it also condones a twisted sort of literary sweatshop where poor talent never stood a chance (not to worry, some day talent will rise up and overcome…just don’t expect it on daytime television)

Or…

“Coming together is a beginning, keeping together is progress, working together is success”…OK... this one is just barely beyond a catch line for a stalker convention and a little dirty (if you read it in the right state of mind…although if I have to explain it to you, you probably don’t travel to that state regularly)

And…

“The most feared opponent is you”…now, I don’t know about you but considering I know all of my weaknesses I’m pretty sure I could take me down if the situation arose…no, I definitely fear that guy staring at me from behind the dumpster every morning …you know the one…one black eye, army fatigues, possibly dried blood on his left sneaker…well HE knows who he is (much love brother)

Or…

“Every strike brings me closer to the next home run”…ummm…no…every strike brings you closer to the next out …and possibly the minor leagues if it’s a consistent event (in the working world I suppose the minors is like working fast food…or being that guy at the major intersections who has that suspiciously fleeting leg injury…)

Even the simple ones such as…

“The Power of Positive Thinking”… what’s the wattage on that…could I power, say a light bulb…or a coffee maker…

Now I know you’re thinking “what a pessimist … those are there to inspire.”(I know that's what your thinking because I’ve tapped into those brain implants of the Uber-Rich [see a few posts back])

No...it's just those damn posters irritate me...if you want to inspire me buy me a martini with the money you would've spent on them ...we'll call it square

Psychophagic and other words you probably won't hear in everyday conversation

I learned a new word today – psychophagic ….which is someone who eats minds or mental processes….which is kind of a cool term but doesn’t show up in the dictionary….its’ an amalgamation of Pych and phagy then converted to indicate a person or thing who does it….. now technically we live with psychophagic things every day(can anyone say television….no seriously …‘cause if you can’t then the psychophagic machines may have well gotten to you already!!! )….

I think taking crazy Latin prefixes and suffixes and tossing them together is a great way to start a conversation….for instance …
say you’re in a bar looking for that perfect someone(why you’re looking for them in a bar …well that’s your first mistake but we won’t go there) ...so you see the nice looking blond at the bar and walk over to her/him/it/they(just covering bases here) as a subtle hint of your attraction, you may want to strike up a conversation in Tribology, which happens to be the study of friction and lubrication( see… ever so subtle)... however, you may want to avoid any conversations in Venereology, which is the study of venereal diseases(possibly also subtle but probably not in a good way)….see the fine line there….
let’s try another one…
let’s say that you happen to run across the neighborhood street pharmacist(are you really saying it out loud?...seriously…. people are going to start wondering) now I don’t condone the “over the curb” purchase but people will do as people do(that’s my public service announcement ….goodbye community service hours…hello, tequila!)….to break the ice with her/him/it/they(covering bases again) you may ask how well she/he/it/they know Posology, which is the study of drug dosages….but, you're probably best to avoid any chats about Penology, which is the study of prison management and criminal rehabilitation and may well end up getting you shived…see this is easy….
o.k. last one….
perhaps you run into an old friend you haven’t seen in a while at the video store….you could discuss Ludology, which happens to be the study of video games, while waiting in line…however loud arguments about Killology, the study of human beings killing other human beings, is probably best avoided….I hope this little primer is a good start to working those kooky Latin Mash-ups into your daily life

Next weeks lesson: Turtles....Man's best friend or perfectly aerodynamic frisbees?

Only The Truly Rich Have Roach Butlers

You know what I think we're missing out on by not being uber-rich?(Not to exclude the uber-rich but there's so few of you that I'm aiming this at the rest of us poor schlubs....besides you already know where this is going by the microscopic implants in our brains you entertain yourselves with....don't try to deny it....I would never have found out if you hadn't started to interrupt my dreams with commercials promoting your companies....I'm looking at you Mr. Gates and Mr. Turner!!) Anywho.....I think we're all missing out on the joys of truly good Roach Butlers....I know what your thinking and no, earthworms just don't train as well...The true joys of a great Roach Regiment of butlers is known only to a few, but let's try to imagine what our day could be like if we were in fact pampered by Roach Servants...

10:00 A.M. ( we're rich remember) Rather than actually getting out of bed, a moving platform of Roaches burrows under you in bed and effortlessly lifts you above them, carrying you off to the shower.(see, this is fun already!)

10:15 A.M. (Rich....big house ....stay in character) Not feeling up to lathering your own soap ...No Bother! ...Command your insect hoard to soap their feet and scurry all over you body, paying special attention to the cracks and crevasses

11:00 A.M. After a nice steamy shower allow yourself to be toweled dry by hundreds of Roaches undulating inside your terry cloth robe. Consider another shower briefly but decide to wait for the pre-bed bath.

11:30 A.M. Sit down to a massive brunch of genetically engineered Pterodactyl egg omelets prepared and served entirely by the Roach Staff.(I'm not sure on the Pterodactyl egg omelets but my sources say the Uber-Rich either eat them or the souls of those who dare to oppose them.... I stuck with the omelets)

12:30 P.M. In your post brunch haze, absentmindedly crush an entire regiment of your Roach Butlers and mourn them for a brief moment until realizing that during the brief moment of mourning several thousand more Butlers were born in your top secret breeding rooms.

1:00 P.M. Business meeting with some guy selling something ....when you become extremely bored you command your Roach servants to swarm him and tell him if he can survive to the door your company will consider his offer.

1:15 P.M. - 1:45 P.M. Watch your faithful servants skeletonize and dispose of the salesman

2:00 P.M. Have a cocktail thoughtfully prepared for you by Bob, your most loyal Roach

2:30 P.M. Call the White House and ask them if they have Prince Albert in a can ...Hang-up laughing when you're told they do and they start demanding you tell where you heard this information.(although this has nothing to do with the Uber-Rich's amazing Roach Butlers, if I were that wealthy I would totally prank the White House.)

3:00 P.M. Needing to unwind from your long workday the Roaches prepare a bath for you

3:30 P.M. After your bath, you lay face down to allow the Roaches to scramble back and forth on your back for a good Roach Massage.

4:00 P.M. Have a couple of fantastic pre-dinner martinis made for you by Bob

4:45 P.M. Relax at the dinner table while the Roach Butlers scurry up and down your arm to feed you .

6:00 P.M. Retire to your media room to relax with a movie while the Roach Butlers clean up after dinner and Bob prepares you a few after dinner drinks.

8:15 P.M. Five after-dinner drinks and a horrible Stallone movie later become belligerent with the entire Roach Staff, especially Bob(he knows what he did)

9:00 P.M. The roaches prepare your rejuvenating chamber recovered from an alien crash site and you settle in for the night.

See....you can't tell me that wouldn't be awesome....although now that I think of it....some homeless people and apartment complexes (word-up Florida!) already have a few of these benefits ....Just goes to show you that the Uber-Rich really do steal all of their best ideas

What would you do in a Zombie Apocalypse?

You know...I've been considering this whole Zombie Apocalypse thing and I think that, sadly enough, the pros may outweigh the cons.

Pros
1. No more war- If the zombies were to rise up and out-number the living what need would there be to fight among ourselves? I mean we'd be so focused on keeping our brains inside our skulls that we wouldn't care who said what to who hundreds of years ago.

2. No more famine- with the dead rising from their graves and converting those too slow to outwit, outrun and outlast , the demand for food would decrease proportionately....unless of course you were a zombie in a town of quick-footed intelligent prey.

3. The evening news would be more interesting- with all of the brain eating and mass hysteria I can't imagine that there would be a whole lot of reporting on cute children eating too much watermelon or what the weather will be like next week.("What's the weather going to be like next week Marty?....flash to Marty curled in the fetal position moaning about how he watched the living dead pop his neighbors head open like a jar of jelly and later having to fend off the same neighbor with a can of Lysol, an old sneaker and a wheel of cheese....ummm...right and now for the sports")

4. Closer-knit communities- With the threat of the walking dead infiltrating your neighborhood, people would be more likely to know the people on the block(you never know when knowledge of Jim's, from two-doors down, weak left ankle is going to come in handy if he's chasing you down in a lust for your gray matter)

5. Better articulation- if the enemy of all living souls is walking around grunting and groaning out their words, people would be much more careful about how they spoke

6. Athletic- intelligent people would be producing most future generations- if you can outrun and outsmart a Zombie Horde, then the odds are that you will eventually run across a person of the opposite sex that has done the same, and, being that its the Apocalypse, the chance of a hook-up in your future is pretty high.

Cons
1. There's a pretty good chance you are going to have your brain removed from your head in a gruesome way and devoured by some random person you thought you knew but didn't really expect to become a Zombie so you let them into your safe zone even though you noticed the suspicious bite-mark shaped cuts on their arm and their pallid complexion.

2. I think number one pretty much sums up the cons ....don't you?

If you are caught unawares in a Zombie stampede, pretending to be a zombie to fit in may work, however, think Dawn Of The Dead and not Michael Jackson's Thriller ... not that either of them wouldn't be sufficient to fool a roving band of mindless brain suckers, it's just that should you come across a group of the uninfected hunkered down in an old farm house, they may opt to leave you to the undead due to the sequined glove and red leather coat.(just a thought but would you let them in?)

Why the truth about snackfoods must never be told

Who sat down and thought of pickled herring? I mean seriously who goes around and says lets stuff some small boney fish into a brine and vinegar mixture and then eat it with crackers....who are these people? ....are they also responsible for pickled eggs?....is there a vast conspiracy of people pickling odd foodstuffs? ...and if there is, are they descended from the ancient priests of Egypt who were known to pickle people's internal organs as well as wrap their remaining body parts until they were dried out...LIKE TOAST!!!!!...That's it!!!...the ancient civilization of Egypt wasn't trying to preserve their pharaohs...they just wanted affordable snack items for the Saturday evening races.... and perhaps the "judging" in the afterlife wasn't from your deeds in life but from how well you went with beer(Egyptians were the first civilization to make microbrews)....you know ....i should really eat lunch before sitting down at the computer

Why My Email And I Have A Love/Hate Relationship

You know ….. I hate Spam….both electronic and meaty …although electronic meat would be awesome…you could set it to email you when it was done and upload thanksgiving dinner to a shared server for all those people that moved away….anywho… in Spam email when it says last chance or final warning why do you get it again tomorrow? And if there are so many single people dying to meet other single people why haven't they met each other? Are they not on each others email lists...and since these things show up so often shouldn't it be roach mail? ….but then we'd be confusing the Friends Of Mary Jane (which sounds like a cool super hero team…Look in the sky..It's the Friends of Mary Jane!!!!!!) and the DEA would figure out some way to prosecute all the poor Roach Mail senders…. On the other hand that may be the answer to this all… Friends Of Mary Jane Away!!!!...(does anyone else feel hungry?)

Hare of the rabbit that bit you.....NO Wait ..... splitting hares...no wait ... the title is

How does the frickin Easter Bunny do it? I mean seriously.... every house ... on one day?.....who does he think he is? Santa!!!!!I don't want no stinkin Ninja rabbit sneaking into MY house!.... and how do we know that the eggs he leaves behind aren't low grade plutonium... or explosives? Between it and the parallel dimension inside the toilet bowl (where do YOU think the water goes!!!!!) I'm feeling that my quasi-plasmatic existence is deteriorating.